“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist