*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button