Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
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All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I’d … I’d rather not.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.