Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My dress code is business-casualty.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?