If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My life in a nutshell
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.