*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW