“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
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I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.