He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
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Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️