This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
j o i m p
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware