wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
You Might Also Like
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*