them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
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Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
They’re not wrong
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I once had a tweet go bacterial.