Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.