[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
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“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up