“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.