[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
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An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?