Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.