Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.