you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”