I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
“HELP WITH CAT”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?