What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I need a headline like this
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.