[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
me after drinking all the wine:
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.