Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”