I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
You Might Also Like
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”