[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
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[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?