Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.