I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
San Francisco has too many rules
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I came this close!!!!
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?