Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
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If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Okay me first
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup