[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
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Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Thursday Thought.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.