Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.