Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
こいつ天才
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.