Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I want what they have
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders