Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
mariah carrie
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”