I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
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How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
That earthquake could have been an email.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then