Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Meow?
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.