Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
The struggle is real.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
good work, everybody
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.