In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
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I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.