The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
saw this in a dream
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.