I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
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me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.