There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.