I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
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My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
If you had more money you’d be happier.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Wait a minute
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.