My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
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the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*