I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
SPLOOT
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.