Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Pringles
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together