I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Cha-ching is my safe word
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.