GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
#ProTip
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Had an epiphany today.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them