It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
when revenge coincides with naptime
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Guys, I found it.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.