I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.