A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Hilarious if literal: arms race
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.