This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
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I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
*launders Kohls cash*
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”