A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
For anyone who needs this today
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore